No Sex after Marriage ( Non Consummation of Marriage)

Feb 21 , 2023
by admin

This is comparatively a recent marital problem being found and the incidence is increasing rapidly . Young couples of all age groups , socioeconomic status and education background are coming with their inability to establish a physical relationship . Some of them have been medicos will add to the total confusion . One really is unable to understand what is going on in our society

One such medico couple came recently . It was a love Marriage , both were medical graduates and had a courtship before marriage lasting 3 years ! The boy tried sex on their golden night but had no erection . The girl made a mountain out of mole and declared him impotent . She believed A true man should be up and ready if he watches a nude female . She shared this information to her family immediately , thanks to the mobile phones . There were enquiry calls from in laws , no wonder they were on the verge of separation 10 days after marriage when they came to me .

I simply explained to them to be a little patient . No one is a sex machine so her belief was totally misplaced and her reaction was impulsive . Actually both were tired due to Marital customs and the boy had not had a proper sleep for some days . He was not in a sexy mood due to Tiredness . Had the girl been a little more sensible, this was a preventable disaster . Similarly a lot of techies young people come , staying in different cities due to job compulsions or studies requirements . They stay for a week or so immediately after marriage and come together at week ends . Here also many of them try to make the most of it and attempt to create world records in number of times one can have sex in one night . Their life style is what it is , it is again a perfect recipe for disaster. No wonder they are frustrated with themselves and their partners . Even worst is the attempt to conceive from first sex itself . The urine of the bride before next expected date is viewed with great anxiety and a good news is expected . WHERE IS THE BLISS OF SEX LIFE? We are zombies ???????

There can many reasons I found in around 250 patients I saw during the last few years . Low frustration tolerance is one . Every new generation is coming with low threshold fuse to blast and expect others to do what they expect . Had that medico girl been taught to keep patience, it was a non issue . The poor guy would have been all right in a couple of days with good sleep . Poor sex education despite "all adult material on internet " is another area . Large majority of material on net is scientifically wrong and very confusing to public. These things deform the expectations and concepts of human sexuality . High stress in both partners , chasing unknown goals but not knowing what to do is a painful realisation .

But the rat race continues. One couple came to me , both around 30 years . The boy was a computer professional working in a BPO in night shifts from 7PM to 4 AM and the girl a CA working in bank from 9AM to 6 PM . The only time available for talking and everything else was 6PM to 7PM . They had a house on EMI , car on EMI so neither was ready to change work . No wonder they had no sex during 2 years of married life . They came to me only when family members pressed for a good news . WHERE IS THE SEX?? Coming only to get a baby !!!!!!!! I had to explain to give priority to sex over other things . The boy switched to day time work and girl also made some adjustments .
So what are the main reasons for not getting it right after marriage

Problems related to men - Early discharge , Erection problem , orientation issues ( homosexuality) , mental stress , not liking the girl or poor skills ( A couple , both highly placed professionals tried sex in a position where they were lying over each other with straight torso parallel to each other ) The boy was still thinking to have broken the hymen!!!!!
Problems related to Women- Undue expectations ( the boy should be romantic or expert in satisfying her in sex) A girl from rural area and lower socioeconomic status was not willing to cooperate because she thought the boy was an idiot , not romantic enough and not able to satisfy her sexually . I tried my best to understand her definition of " being romantic " She herself was not clear but surely, her expectations were too high and not ready to give time to learn "romanticism "

Another very common problem seen is

VAGINISMUS- it means the vagina closes very tightly on slightest attempt of penile penetration. The more force the boy uses , more tightly it closes so the boy feels as if " he is hitting against a wall" Unaware of her problem, the thinks his penis is not strong enough to drill a hole inside , leading to anxiety and ED. So many young boys coming to me with ED soon after marriage have problem secondary to a vaginal issue.

Why does vaginismus happen when the girl knows fully well that there is going to be a penetrative vaginal sex after marriage - Well, one must understand that it is not a wilful act. The girl is usually unaware of the situation . Sometimes even one finger can be inserted but attempt to enter penis results in total closure of the vaginal opening . There can be many reasons . Fear of pain, fear of injury to internal organs , past sex abuse so an attempt even by lawful partner induces a protective closure to vaginal entry , infection producing pain on touch or a condition called Vulvodynia where there is pain to even a feather touch , despite absence of any visible pathology.

How to treat -

3 things I tell every couple to follow for successful treatment

Do not criticise , support
Don't Spill the beans to family members , keep it inside the bedroom only
Start treatment if you are committed to each other . People having options of divorce will never give it an honest try

I suggest every couple to adopt healthy life style, spend some time together , get involved in quality time spending
The diagnosis has to be made to find proper reasons for non consummation . Relevant treatment is given. Generally results are good